Crocheting by a very warm fire and thinking about so many things. I am thinking of all the ties in our lives that come undone, seemingly without our knowledge. The stitches slip out and the connections end. It is sad to think about those lost connections, but I know there must be a reason that connection was made in my life in the first place.
I am a solitary person by nature. I was raised to be independent, the middle child of 7, and though I had a lot of friends, none but a few were especially close. I have sat alone through so many doctors' appointments, both for my heart and my infertility. I was alone when 9/11 happened, teaching in a small town and not knowing a single soul. I was by myself frequently, working late at my job through most of high school.
I am not usually lonely, but tonight I wish I could reach into my past and fix those broken connections. I so want to have deep theological conversations with my friend Nathan. I want to talk nonsense with my old roomie Diane. I desperately want to talk with my friend Sherri again, Sr. Catherine that is, now.
I remember riding my bike to my friends' houses in my hometown and just chatting with them about school and nothing and everything in our small microcosm of life then. Why is it so difficult now to pick up those connections?
I think for me, the hardest thing is knowing that sometimes I'm the only one trying to keep the connection alive. I used to send cards for everything, but I received no acknowledgment for them. Not even letting me know people received whatever it was I sent. I would feel so crappy afterwards, like they just didn't care. So, I stopped. I am not letting that kind of emotional baggage drive me crazy. (Let's face it, I'm close enough I could walk there!)
I guess what bothers me the most are the people that I've really tried to be there for, in their good times and their bad times. I would have done just about anything to support and help those people. I have done many things to support them and show them they are loved. People that I considered good friends, that simply found others and didn't need me around anymore. Some of them just didn't have time for me anymore. Some of them apparently forgot I existed, lost my number, and totally forgot all about the memories we made.
Look, I'm not saying I must be the center of attention here. I hope that's not what this sounds like. I'm not trying to throw a pity party. I'm just saying, people, acknowledge those you love. Call them, write them, text them, pray for them and let them know. We are all so busy in this world, but are we really too busy to comfort each other, support each other, and talk with one another for longer than 5 minutes? Obviously, there are some people that cut those ties with me and I am aware of the cut. Some of them healed. Some of them are scabbed over and some of them are still open wounds. I'm not a perfect person. I'm not even anywhere close! BUT, I am a different person from the one I was 5 years ago, 10 years ago, 25 years ago, even 6 months ago. I am someone who has learned to forgive, to acknowledge fault, to read people's faces so I know when I need to shut up and stop talking. About the only thing I have yet to learn is to lose a bit more graciously. I am working on it, really!!
Fortify the ties that bind with double knots and extra string. Maybe some glue or tape, or even plaster if needed. Rebuild those connections and reach out to those you feel need it. Put the scissors away, and remember at the end of the day, that connection you lost will one day sit by the fire, crocheting, and think of you and all the awesome things they loved about you and smile and maybe hope for a better connection going forward.
Love and light to you all.